[StBernard] Not Raising Hogs

[Westley Annis]

i think we could turn a profit on this. let me know what you think. ben
   
TO:              Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D. C.

 

SUBJECT:   NOT RAISING HOGS
    

 

Dear Sir,
    
       

   I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took my old
trailer and beat up car. I thought I might go into business to supplement my
welfare check. 
    
   My friend over at Wells, Iowa received a check for $1,000 from the
Government for not raising hogs. Right now I'm getting extra help from the
government and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops I want to
go into  the "not-raising-hogs" business. 
    
   What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of  farm
not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to  raise? I
want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with  all
governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but  if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not  raise
Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this raise Yorkshires
o 
 keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I   haven't raised. 
    
   My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the  business. He
has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best  he ever made on
them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your  check for $1000 for
not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50  hogs, will I get $2000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a  small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised,  which will mean about
$80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an  airplane. 
    
   Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and  corn
not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise? 
    
   Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me  any
information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances,  you
understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps. 
    
   Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election. 
    
                                   Patriotically Yours,
                                                 

                                                    Ima Taker

PS. Please notify me when you are giving out more free cheese---