[StBernard] Happy Holidays and thanks for the forwarded emails!

[Westley Annis]

Friends,Family and spammers,

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of 
you
who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 
12
months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and 
wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to 
seal
an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same 
reason. 
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can 
remove
toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people 
who
make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their
cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I 
no
longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone 
might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages 
from
nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to 
dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore and Uzbekistan. I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" 
are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer 
have
to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their 
recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 
angels
looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers 
my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish 
within
five minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick 
girl
who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). I no 
longer
have any money at all - but that will change once I receive  the 
$15,000
that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their 
special
email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!  If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 
people
in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea 
will
land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will 
occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!



Jerry Artigue