[StBernard] Open this only if you need a laugh

[Westley Annis]

"People say that money isn't the key to happiness 
but I figured if you have enough money
you can have a key made."  - Joan Rivers


:>)


"Have you ever noticed that anybody going
slower than you is an idiot and anyone
going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin


:>)


"What I need is to find a woman who loves me for 
my money but doesn't understand math" - Mike Birbiglia


:>)


"My wife has tons of credit cards.  She has so many
magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse
points north," - Peter Sasso


:>)


"I had my identity stolen a few months ago, and my
credit actually improved.  I'm dating now, have
a new car.  Life is good."  - Steve Morris


:>)


       "Amateurs...built the ark.
       Professionals...built the Titanic"


:>)


"So they're showing me, on television, 
the detergents getting out bloodstains.  
I mean, come on, if you've got a T-shirt 
with a bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry
 isn't your biggest problem right now." - Jerry Seinfeld


:>)


    "Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very 
carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and 
I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very nice, your honour," the husband 
said. "And every now and then I'll try to send 
her a few bucks, myself."


:>)


Why are women wearing perfumes that 
smell like flowers to attract men?  
Men don't like flowers.  I wear a scent 
called "new car interior." - Rita Rudner


:>)


"I haven't got the slightest idea how to change 
people, but I keep a long list of prospective 
candidates just in case I should ever find it 
out." - David Sedaris


:>)


My father began teaching business classes 
at the local prison through a community 
college. On his first night of class, he started
 a chapter on banking. During the course 
of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came 
up, and he mentioned that, on average, 
most machines contain only about $1500 
at a given time. Just then a man in the 
back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to 
be disrespectful," he told my father, 
"but the machine I robbed had about 
$5,000 in it." 

-- Jennifer Johnson


:>)


A man bursts into his house and yells, "Pack 
your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for 
the beach or for the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care ... Just get out!"


:>)


A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill 
and said, "Hey, where've you been? I 
haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging 
out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did 
the rounds of the ship, back to the United 
States for a while, went to a couple of baseball 
games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How 
about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same 
old stuff ... church, church, church."