[StBernard] THE BATHING SUIT

[Westley Annis]

Thought this was cute and the Parish ladies would enjoy. jill


	 
	

 

 

The Bathing Suit  

When I was a child in the 1950s the bathing suit for the  mature figure was
boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as  engineered. They were
built  to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.  Today's stretch
fabrics are designed for the  prepubescent girl with a  figure carved from a
potato chip.  The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up  front to
the  maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt,  coming
away looking like a  hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she
can wander around  every run of the mill department store trying to make a
sensible choice from what  amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber
bands.

  
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my  sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.  The first thing I
noticed was the extraordinary tensile  strength of the  stretch material.
The Lycra used in bathing costumes was  developed, I believe, by  NASA to
launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give  the added bonus that if
you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from
shark attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing  midriff would
immediately suffer whiplash. 

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap
In place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!  

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.  It took a while
to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside  my seventh rib..
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature
woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest  like a speed bump.
I  realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to  take a full
view  assessment.  

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it  only fit those bits
of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out  rebelliously from
top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing
undersized cling wrap.  As I tried to work out where all those extra bits
had come from, the  prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the
curtain, 'Oh, there you are,'  she said, admiring the bathing suit. 

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I
tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape,
and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a
serving ring.  I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged
frills and some outfit looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets
and having a rough day.  I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked
like  a jellyfish in mourning.  I tried on a bright pink pair with such a
high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.  

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair  
with a shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.   It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I  bought it. My  ridiculous search had
a successful outcome, I figured.  
When I got home, I found a label which read --  'Material might become
transparent in water.'  So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any
other body of water  this year and I'm there too .. I'll be the one in cut
off jeans and a t-shirt!  You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor
by this time.  

Life isn't about how to survive the storm,  but how to dance in the rain