[StBernard] Darwin awards

[Westley Annis]

	HUMOR Newly Released Darwin Entrants
	
	The Darwin Awards
	
	It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the
annual honor
	given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing
	themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
	
	Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which
	toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out.
	
	This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST!
	
	Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is a TRUE
STORY.
	
	And the nominees were:
	
	Semifinalist #1
	
	A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because
	he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not
	surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
	fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house
	down, killing both him and his sister.
	
	Semifinalist #2
	
	Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when
	another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants
	of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They
	were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their
ankles.
	
	Semifinalist #3
	
	A 22-year-old Reston, VA , man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus
	straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police
	said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
	together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to
the
	trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren
	Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone
	because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
had
	assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground,"
	Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major
trauma.'
	
	Semifinalist #4
	
	A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend
	were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend --
	no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate -- was hospitalized.
	
	Semifinalist #5
	
	Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
smell of a
	gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing
all
	potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
	
	After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company
	were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty
	navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked.
	Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into
	his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter.
	
	Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
	exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was
found of
	the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the
explosion.
	The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought
of as
	''bright'' by his peers.
	
	
	Now, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, unfortunately,
as
	always, posthumously):
	
	The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
embedded in
	the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The
	wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
The type
	of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally
pieced
	together the mystery crash. An amateur rocket scientist...had
somehow gotten
	hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel
rocket)
	that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push'
for
	taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out
into the
	desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the
JATO unit
	to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
	
	The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of
the 1967
	Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0
miles from
	the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted
asphalt at
	that location.
	
	The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
within 5
	seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph
and
	continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
	
	The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces
usually
	reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,
causing him to
	become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the
automobile
	remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds)
before
	the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the
tires and
	leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming
airborne for
	an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of
125 feet
	leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the
driver's
	remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone,
teeth and
	hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards
were
	removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the
steering
	wheel.
	
	Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground
speed of
	approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on
the
	ground.
	
	
	You couldn't make this stuff up, could you?
	
	AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE STILL ALL AROUND US AND THEY BREED &
VOTE...      SCARY, ISN'T IT?
	
	
	Mah