[StBernard] Parents Should Raise the Bar for Their Kids

[Westley Annis]

Parents Should Raise the Bar for Their Kids
by Rebecca Hagelin

Spring break is in full swing for many college students 
across the country. And believe me, when I say "full 
swing," I mean full-rockin', rollin' party-hearty swing-
ing!

But given that nearly all of these students' lifestyles 
are still funded by their parents, and that nearly all 
are still under the legal drinking age, it makes me 
wonder: What are their parents thinking?

As a mom of two college men I actually find it fairly 
easy to boldly proclaim: "If you are livin' on my dime, 
then you are livin' by my rules."

My rules for them as adults are actually filled with 
freedom, coupled with the principle of "self government." 
They were raised with this consistent theme, and they 
understand that my husband and I practice the "abuse and 
lose" approach. (I.e., they have both freedom and our 
full support as long as they follow basic rules that 
provide for their safety, moral development, and future.)

Of course, I can hear the naysayers now: "But they're 
adults. You can't tell adult children what to do." To 
this I simply answer, "BALONEY!"

I am a much-older adult, and I understand that an employer 
can impose certain codes and expectations for my behavior 
on me. That's the deal in life -- you work for someone, 
you have to play by their rules. (Of course I know they 
can't trample your basic rights, deny civil liberties, 
etc. So don't go there. You know what I'm talking about.)

The young college men in my life -- of whom I am so very 
proud and blessed to be called their "mom" -- also know 
that my husband and I are fully committed to them as 
individuals and will provide plenty of opportunities for 
good, safe fun.

Let's get back to Spring Break as an example. Instead of 
shrugging our shoulders and letting them go off to some 
distant beach where mayhem, alcohol and "Girls Gone Wild" 
abound, I booked a house at our favorite beach, which is 
located on a barrier island on Florida's Gulf Coast. With 
no bridge (you have to get here by boat) and no bars, 
this break is a lot safer and a lot more meaningful than 
what many are experiencing.

One of my dear friends has a house nearby and her daughter, 
also on Spring Break, has brought about nine of her "best 
friends" too. So, there's plenty of social activity, fun 
and friendship without the nonsense. The kids go back and 
forth between our houses, so my friend and I both get to 
spend time with them and listen to their entertaining -- 
and interesting -- chatter.

Last night the gang was at my friend's house and the main 
topic of conversation proved an-eye-opening, mind-numbing 
experience for her.

Most of the girls on this trip are freshmen, and somehow 
the conversation led to a shared humiliating experience 
now common at most college campuses: the mandatory co-ed, 
sex-ed course they all attended during their first few 
weeks on campus. They described the graphic nature of the 
class, and how embarrassed and outraged they were when 
they were shown how to put a condom on a banana.

But then it got worse -- they were all encouraged to do the 
condom/banana exercise, too. The girls spoke of how a 
couple of their fellow students seemed to take great pride 
at their skill in demonstrating what seemed an all-too-
familiar maneuver. However, my young friends said they were 
mortified and left the course feeling "trashy" and belittl-
ed by administration officials who expect them to all be-
have like wild animals in heat. "They seemed to be 
encouraging us to be sexually active," one member of the 
volley ball team said. "I was insulted and offended by the 
entire experience."

This particular young co-ed had gone to a private Christian
high school, so she had managed to escape the low expect-
ations that many educators bring to today's youth. She and 
her mom weren't aware that in today's public schools, 
millions of boys and girls are now, indeed, treated as if 
they are going to be sex-crazed creatures and, therefore, 
are actually encouraged to engage in risky behavior.

Face it: When an adult in authority stands in front of the 
classroom and directs graphic discussions of sex in every 
form, forces boys and girls to sit by each other throughout 
the humiliating lectures, and then further violates the 
child's natural tendencies to be private or modest, then 
you end up with kids who follow what they've been taught. 
On the other hand, when kids are treated with dignity, 
taught the value of abstinence, and how to avoid placing 
themselves in compromising situations in the first place, 
the research shows that more of them do, indeed, respond 
by adopting a lifestyle of self-control and more respons-
ible behavior than those drowning in "sex ed". Also 
critical to the delayed on-set of sexual activity is 
parental involvement. I can not overstate the influence 
that loving, connected parents have on their teens and 
young adult children. You'll find loads of data and re-
search on both points at www.abstinenceclearninghouse.com 
and www.familyfacts.org

Which, once again, brings me back to the plethora of wild 
Spring Break "pah-tays" going on around the country as 
you read this. I wonder: if more public junior high and 
high schools joined hands with more parents in teaching 
abstinence education, the concepts of self-worth and basic
morality, wouldn't our nation's kids have a higher view 
of themselves and rise to meet the expectations?

And if colleges and parents expected better of our kids, 
wouldn't more of them choose the higher ground? If more 
parents took the effort to provide safer -- but still 
"way fun" -- supervised beach trips and other options 
for college kids, would more of them opt for something 
other than the drunken orgies that many Spring Break 
trips have become? In short, are older adults getting 
exactly the type of behavior from young adults that we 
expect?

Granted, my personal "focus group" is small. But the 
data, my experience, and the e-mails I receive from 
thousands of people tell me this: Young adults are still 
malleable, still looking for direction, and still crave 
to rise above the status quo. But they need help and 
encouragement. They need to be told that they can be self-
controlled people of strong character, and they need to 
be provided with opportunities to thrive, have fun, and 
become men and women they can be proud of.

Young adults rise or fall to the expectation levels set 
for them. Will you help raise the bar?