[StBernard] Time to mow the lawn

Westley Annis Westley at da-parish.com
Wed Aug 26 19:11:48 EDT 2009

If you don't laugh hysterically at this...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is
funny...and it's true.

This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger
Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long
ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the
key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push
mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard... I knew for a
fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got
the running lawnmower in my right hand, and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in
the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine
battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.....The first thing I noticed is my pecker trying to climb
up the front side of my body, my ears curled downwards, and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and
the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between, but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm
about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My
hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but dad always
had those pieces of shit chargers made by International or whoever, that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of
gas. 'Damn it!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the
lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in
poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die...
Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that
day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my
own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the
wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were
two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long
skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still
holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting
thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet, and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a
burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my
security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow!!!

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