[StBernard] Last minute holiday tips

[Westley Annis]

	1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
	
	2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You
cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later than you think.  It's Christmas!
	
	3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat..
	
	4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.
	
	5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat
other people's food for free.  Lots of it. Hello?
	
	6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do...This
is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
	
	7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself
near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the
center of attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave
them behind, you're never going to see them again.
	
	8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat...Have a slice of each.
Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
	
	9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have
somestandards.
	
	10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember
this motto to live by:
	"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid
in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"