[StBernard] Groaners

[Westley Annis]

	So bad, you have to laugh....hee hee!
	 
	1.  King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites.  His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.  Desperate, he
went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. 
	 
	Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." 
	 
	"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you
know who I am?  I am the king!" 
	Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference
who you are." 
	 
	 
	2.  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers.  Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in
a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. 
	 
	 
	3..  A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!
I think I'm shrinking!" 
	 
	The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll just have to
be a little patient." 
	 
	 
	4.  A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some
more. 
	 
	On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to
wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and
charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal
porpoises. 
	 
	 
	5.  Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts
wanted to produce other products. Since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. 
	 
	The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada
or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the
expression,... "He who has a Tate's is lost!" 
	 
	 
	6.  A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on." 
	 
	 
	7.  An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the
medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,
thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off,
chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. 
	 
	After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was
feeling. 
	 
	The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady
lingers on." 
	 
	 
	8.  A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found
his name missing from the town register. 
	 
	His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who
apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 
	 
	 
	This had to be my fave...LOL!
	9.  There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin, one
slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. 
	 
	All three became pregnant.  The first two each had a baby boy.  The
one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. 
	 
	This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is
equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. 
	 
	 
	10.  A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves
of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. 
	 
	When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him
in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't
need enemas."