[StBernard] Happy St. Patrick's Day!

[Westley Annis]

	A Little Irish  Humor 
	******************************* 
	Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because  he had an
important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to  heaven
he said, "Lord 
	take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"   
	
	Miraculously, a parking place appeared. 
	
	Paddy looked up again  and said, "Never mind, I found one." 
	
	*********************   
	Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" 
	
	The man said, "I do, Father."   
	
	The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 
	
	Then  the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"   
	
	"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. 
	
	"Then stand over there  against the wall," said the priest. 
	
	Then Father Murphy walked up to  O'Toole and said, "Do you want to
go to heaven?" 
	
	O'Toole said, "No, I  don't Father." 
	
	The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell  me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" 
	
	O'Toole said, "Oh,  when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."   
	
	************************** 
	Paddy was in New York. 
	
	He  was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy
street crossing.  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians." 
	Then he'd  allow the traffic to pass. 
	
	He'd done this several times, and Paddy still  stood on the
sidewalk. 
	
	After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the  tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?" 
	
	************************** 
	Gallagher opened  the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read
in the obituary column that he  had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney. 
	
	"Did you see the  paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" 
	
	"Yes, I saw it!" replied  Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?" 
	
	*****************************   
	An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's
breath  and 
	then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 
	
	He says,  "Sir, have you been drinking?" 
	
	"Just water," says the priest.   
	
	The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" 
	
	The priest looks  at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"   
	
	***************************** 
	Walking into the bar, Mike said to  Charlie the bartender, "Pour me
a stiff one - just had another fight with the  little woman." 
	
	"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"   
	
	"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and
knees. 
	
	"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"   
	
	She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."   
	
	****************************** 
	Flynn staggered home very late  after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to  avoid waking his wife,
Mary. 
	
	He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward  the stairs leading to
their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. he  caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed  heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the  landing
especially painful. 
	
	Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up,  pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks  were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and  began
putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. 
	
	He  then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to  bed. 
	
	In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. 
	
	She said, "You  were drunk again last night weren't you?" 
	
	Flynn said, "Why you say such  a mean thing?" 
	
	"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it  could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.