[StBernard] SOUTHERN WOMEN

[Westley Annis]

SOUTHERN WOMEN 
 
Southern women appreciate their natural assets: 

Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:

'Yes, ma'am.'
'Yes, sir.'
'Why, no, Billy!' 
 
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:

'Y'all come back!'
'Well, bless your heart.' 
'Drop by when you can.'
'How's your Momma?'
 
Southern women know their summer weather report:

Hot, Humid
Hot, Humid
Hot, Humid
 
Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach
The rivuh
The crick
 
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:

Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint
 
Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
 
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
 
Southern women know their religions:

Baptist
Methodist
Football
 
Southern women know their country breakfasts:

Red-eye gravy
Grits, Eggs 
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
 
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl'stn
Meem fis
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins 
Addlanna
 
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
 
Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
 
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners 
Cooking bad food

 

My personal favorite is:

If you must cuss someone out...it's not a "mortal sin" if you add..."bless
your heart" at the end :-)

For instance:  You stupid S.O.B. (pause) bless your heart  
 
More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption
fit, and that you don't 'HAVE' them, you 'PITCH' them.

_____
 
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas,
beans, etc., make up 'a mess.'
_____
 
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
'yonder.' 
_____ 
 
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long 'directly' is, as in: 'Going to
town, be back directly.' (correctly pronounced 'drectly')
_____
 
Even Southern babies know that 'Gimme some sugar' is not a request for the
white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the
middle of the table. 
_____
 
All Southerners know exactly when 'by and by' is. They might not use the
term, but they know the concept well.
_____
 
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a
neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of
cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also
know to add a large banana puddin! 
_____
 
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between 'right near' and 'a
right far piece.' They also know that 'just down the road' can be 1 mile or
20.
_____
 
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
 
A Southerner knows that 'fixin' can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

_____
 
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, . . . and when we're
'in line,' We talk to everybody. 
 
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage. 
_____
 
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____
 
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. 
_____
 
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that
fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
 
When you hear someone say, 'Well, I caught myself lookin',' you know you are
in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
 
Only true Southerners say 'sweet tea' and 'sweet milk.' Sweet tea indicates
the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.
'Sweet milk' means you don't want buttermilk. 
_____
 
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,' Bless her heart' ...
and go your own way. 
_____ 
 
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take
two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
_____
 
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads 'I
ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could.'
 
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
 
Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish
they had been! 
 
If you're a northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it.  We know
you got here as fast as you could....

 

Rena