[StBernard] MY LETTER TO THE DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE

[Westley Annis]

TO: The Honorable Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C. 

Dear Sir, 

My friend up in Wells, Iowa, received a check for $10,000 from the
government for not raising hogs. I have decided that I want to go into the
"not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to know is, in your
opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? 

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise
Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be
in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs haven't been raised.

My farmer friend, Mr. Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for forty years or so, and the best he
ever made on them was $1,422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check
for $10,000 for not raising hogs. 

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising
100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down
to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first
year. Then I can afford an airplane. 

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels
of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and
wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to
feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? 

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any
information you have on that, too. In view of these circumstances, you
understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps. 

 

Tell Prez Obama that Rena, the non-hog raiser, says wassup! 

Patriotically Yours,

 

Rena Daniel, A soon to be non-Hog Farmer 

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese?