[StBernard] British Humor

[Westley Annis]

THIS IS BRITISH HUMOR--------------------------------
 

 
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to
religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.  I
converted to Islam......and we're stoning her in the morning! 
  
  
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 21, and her name's Lucy. 
  
  
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.  Locals were shouting
"pedophile!", and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and
I'm 50.  It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. 
  
  
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job.  I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!  You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether." 
  
  
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.  Could only use it for
half an hour, as I started to feel sick.  It's great though. It provides me
with everything I need -- KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps -- the
lot...!" 
  
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said
No; 72% said "I am not understand please the question." 
  
  
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries. 
  
  
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How
do you know?" He says, "Well, the sex is about the same --- but the ironing
is piling up!" 
  
  
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you're  sometimes
reincarnated as a different life-form.  She said she would like to come back
as a cow.  I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." 
  
My wife has been missing a week now.  The police said to prepare for the
worst....... so I had to ask for all of her clothes back from Goodwill. 
  
  
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new child oriented
iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name. 
  
  
There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but
they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of their bomber
jackets. 
  
  
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan .  I said we'd love to, but our garden hose
only reaches to the driveway.