[StBernard] AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES

Westley Annis westley at da-parish.com
Tue Jul 24 19:41:20 EDT 2007


Subject: AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES


AN ANALYSIS OF US LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES
Written by To The Point, Inc.

The full title of this report, prepared by the Congressional
Research
Office
at the request of Congressman Tom Tancredo (R-CO) is:

An Analysis of US Law Enforcement Agencies Upon Encountering A
"Venomous
Snake" Within Their Jurisdiction.

Summary of the report's findings:

1. FBI: Searches for but cannot locate snake. After snake is caught
by the
local police, FBI forms a Snake Task Force of 150 agents, sets up a
command
center, holds press conference and assumes credit for capture of
[a]
snake.

2. USSS (Secret Service): Forms a protective ring of agents around
snake
and escorts to a safe area.

3. ATF: Sends SRT team to arrest snake; they expend all of their
ammo,
then burn the forest down killing the snake and other local fauna.
At a
Congressional inquiry makes a presentation on why additional funding
is
required to properly train agents how to battle the threat of
snakes.

4. TSA: Abides by Congressional ruling to "prevent profiling" of
venomous
snakes, which requires "random" snake inspections. Venomous snake
escapes
while TSA officials strip-search non-venomous species.

5. IRS-CID: Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and
writes a
100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. The
investigation is closed and all agents are out of the office by 4:30
pm.

6. ICE: After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS,
FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they
mail the
snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing.
Snake
never responds and is promptly forgotten.

7. DEA: Initiates a Title 3 and an MLAT investigation on the snake's
cell
phone after discovering that the above agencies have begun an
investigation
on the snake. Spends $3M to discover the snake is not Colombian.

8. U.S. Attorney's Office: Declines prosecution out of "professional
courtesy."

9. USBP (Border Patrol): Captures snake. Cannot communicate with
snake,
resulting in recruitment drive for snake handlers. Takes snake back
to
border (for the 4th time).

10. US Forest Service: Have meeting after meeting, management wrings
their

hands and decide to deny any existence of a snake on public lands
and all
agents ordered to Washington to prevent any sighting of a snake and
are
trained to refer to snakes as "legal reptiles."

11. Sheriff's Office: Shoots snake after driving over it several
times.
Puts snake in another City Police Officer's car while parked in jail
parking area.




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