[StBernard] HISTORY ACCORDING TO ????
Westley at da-parish.com
Wed Dec 22 21:30:31 EST 2010
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention
of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals and
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known
as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to
live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those
became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists
are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat
red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical
doctors, police officers, engineers, furniture manufactures, corporate
executives, sales reps, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots
and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies
hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They
crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to
get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
And there you have it.
Let your next action reveal your true self!
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